I've spent the past year and a half trying to figure out the happenings of life. I've gone through some of the very best moments I've ever had in my life to some of the very worst. You would think that a year and a half is a very short time in the scheme of things, and quite honestly, it is. I'm twenty years old and a year and a half amounts to nothing on the scale, but with the events that have taken place...I believe it to be one of the shortest amounts of time, with the greatest number of mistakes made and lessons learned. So if you don't know me as well as some do, I'll just catch you up to speed really quickly about my past, and then follow that up with the past year and a half.
May 15th, 1991 my life started going downhill. Yes, this is the day that I was born. No, I didn't nearly die at birth or anything like that. At least, not that I'm aware of. But that was the day that I was brought into the world and began to live with my parents. By the age of two I was taken away from my parents for neglect, abuse, and incompetent parenting. Basically. My parents divorced and I lived with my grandparents for a few months, but my dad decided that he had grown up, leaving him to believe he was going to raise my sister and I. My grandparents reluctantly agreed, hoping he had gotten his act together...and from what they could tell, had really changed. But my dad was hiding behind a completely fake portrayal of himself. By the age of seven, I had been introduced to alcohol, various drugs, and physical and emotional abuse. By the age of eight, sexual abuse was introduced into my life. Thankfully, I was never raped...but there were many close calls. And last but not least, at the age of nine, I had been given detailed instructions on where my life would be headed and had attempted suicide. There are so many things about my life that I regret but without remembering those regrets I would not be the person I am today. Shortly after being taken from my dad for the second time in my life, and going back to my grandparents house to live...everything in my life began to turn around. I started going to church with my grandma and eventually let God take control of my life by giving everything to him and leaving the life that I had been living behind. Sooo skipping ahead quite a few years, let's talk about the past year and a half.
The past year or so, I've been more focused on what I want for my life rather than what God wants for my life. I'm a perfectionist with a serious case of OCD and I hate when things aren't in my control. And being a perfectionist isn't exactly what I would call a gift, quite frankly it's the exact opposite. I came to college knowing what I wanted to do with my life, and nothing was going to mess that up. Well, I was most certainly wrong about that. My life was flipped entirely upside down this past year. Freshman year was what it was. I figured things out, straightened out friendships, etc. But sophomore year was complete chaos. I spent fall semester hating a former best friend for not being there when I needed him the most and on top of that, lost the most important person in my life to cancer. It was one of the hardest things I've ever been through. Then Spring semester came and I had expected everything to get better, but it didn't. My grandma ended up having cancer as well, and I thought for sure I was going to lose her as well. I became very depressed. But thankfully, I had a couple of really good friends to lean on that kept me going. Longggg story short. I came to realize throughout the semester that hating myself, my life, and nearly everyone in it was not helping me in any way. I began to focus on God's plan for my life and gave up everything that I wanted just to focus on getting my life back in order and being solely focused around Christ's plan. I know that in doing so (giving up everything I had tried so hard to make work and giving up all of my desires/plans), I hurt a lot of people. I ended up walking away from friendships, without really giving them any reason as to why. But when it comes right down to it, I couldn't go on living life the way I had been. It's not that I necessarily did anything wrong throughout this time. But when I don't care about myself, I can't care about others. And I wanted to get back to the point where I could enjoy life and see opportunities to share Christ's love. And in saying all of this, there are still people who don't fully understand everything that happened or why I chose to do what I did. But I don't regret any part of my life. And I believe that God really has made me so much stronger through everything that's happened. And without Him in my life, I would be a complete wreck. I guess for now...I'll just leave it at that. :) But, just so you're all aware. My grandma's cancer is gone. Thank goodness! Hopefully it will stay that way!
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