Proud Cynic.

I have a problem. (And, it's not my obsession with puppies and other cute animals...) You see, I tend to be slightly cynical. I always have my guard up and usually expect people to act in their own interest, which I am fine with, but I am also prideful. Which means that I am not going to let them take advantage of me along the way to achieving their self-pleasing goals (which is acting in my own interest as well, but that is beside the point of today's post.)

A proud cynic. It has a ring to it, right? But there is a word that cannot be used to describe a proud cynic: generous.

I was reading in Matthew 5 today, and came across one of those passages that you have read so many times that once you get to it you are reciting it in your head as you read (yeah, blah, blah, blah, I know.) Thankfully today, I caught myself. Instead, I listened while I read instead of reciting.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you."
-Matthew 5:38-42

Like I said, I do not want to be taken advantage of. I think it is fairly safe to say that no one does. However, here, Jesus is saying...Kimberly, it is better to give than to question intent. He is saying that regardless if someone is taking advantage of your servanthood, you must give. Who am I anyway to judge whether someone deserves my servanthood? If I do that, it is not servanthood at all. 

I am not saying that we should not be smart with what we do, because we are also called to be good stewards of our lives, family, and everything God has given us. So, we must do what is necessary to take care of ourselves in order to be able to serve to our full capacity. What Jesus is saying though, is simply be generous, live generously. So, that is what I am going to try to do.

Sometimes, I have the urge to fall...

It's a wonderful sensation really.

I remember when I was seven years old, I was sitting on the ledge of our house. It was a brick house; one of the most charming houses one has ever seen. It was my favorite house. The ledge I was perched on was only about six feet tall, but, when I felt myself leaning over the edge, my stomach lurched and my heart jumped. But when I opened my eyes and looked up at the clouds above where I had landed, the thought that ran through my mind was, well, that was fun.

Like I said, sometimes I have the urge to fall... Sometimes I have the urge to run. It's the same thing, really. At least, I think it is. It's about freedom and letting go, right? But, the running urge only happens every great once in a while.

In the same light...I like heights. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not an adrenaline junkie. I'm not a Marla Singer, dangerously living my life knowing that I could die at any minute, but sometimes I have the urge to fall. Repelling is my favorite. Granted, I'm in a harness, and I'm not technically falling, but there is just something about not having the ground beneath my feet that is freeing. I've repelled a 275 foot wall. I've done a 250 foot slingshot. I've toed a 65 foot ledge deep down in a cave. I absolutely love roller coasters. I used to love high dives, until I got fussed at by a life guard. And I even jumped off a cliff into a river once, even though I had a bad experience following that, but that is for another post... And one day I plan on skydiving.

I say all of this, because even though I have this urge, I tend to protect myself from it in other aspects of life. I don't like the aspect of trust. I don't like the idea of losing control. I don't like trusting people, because then I'd have to fall. I don't always listen to God, because then I'd have to fall. I don't always trust my family... my friends... my professors... because then I'd have to fall.

Whenever I let go though; it pays. I learn something. I gain something. I stand back up as a better and stronger person. I challenge you today to heed the call in your life to fall... to trust... to let go... to love, or to do whatever it is that demands you to fall. You'll gain something, I promise.

Sometimes, I have the urge to fall. Falling requires trust. Falling forfeits control. Falling is a wonderful sensation.

Rest In Hope.

Where do you even begin with these things? 

How do you deal with the fact that someone can be here one moment and then gone the next? 

It is something I have never really been able to fathom.

This topic has laid heavy on my heart this week, as I have had to deal with the struggle of losing a close friend as well as watch a coworker deal with losing a loved one. And that doesn't even begin to cover the sad and tragic news involving Robin Williams earlier this month. It is never easy to lose a parent, a child, or a dear friend. And nothing we say or do will change the heartbreaking fact that we cannot bring them back. 

With that said, when others are grieving I tend to grieve right along with them. I know and understand the pain of losing a loved one; and to be honest with you, I don't think we ever stop grieving. 

I remember the day my grandfather lost his battle to cancer. It was the worst feeling I had ever experienced. My grandpa had a one of a kind smile that literally lit up a room. He was just one of those people you wanted to be around. He had a genuine heart and loved others well. There was just something about his spirit that was contagious to be around. Ask anyone. He was a father and a friend to so many yet was taken Home when Heaven decided they needed him more than we did. 

And, though we are left here to grieve, I am reminded that this is not the end. 

While sitting in my living room that evening processing and dealing with what had just happened, I remember looking up. I don't know exactly why it caught my attention, but I remember looking at our ceiling fan only to notice that one of the lights had gone out. And in that moment I felt the Lord say, "He is Home. 

And how incredibly true that is. We were never meant to spend forever here. We were made for so much more. We were made for an intimate, personal, incredible relationship with our Creator. God knew what day would be my grandpa's last day, and though it may have come as a shock to us it was no surprise to the Lord. He knew He was going to get to welcome my grandpa with open arms and that my grandpa would finally be whole and new, and, in complete relationship with his God. 

With that in mind, we can rest in hope. We can rest in hope knowing that our loved ones are where they were meant to be all along. We can rest in hope knowing that this is not the end but merely a beginning. And we can rest in hope knowing that in all things the Lord works for good. He is faithful, He is good. 

So, this is not a "goodbye" but rather a "see you later". We will miss you.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:21-23

It's Been A While.

Hello Readers, 

It has been a long time since our last encounter. But, I have had so much going on I just haven't had the time to devote. But, let's get to it...shall we?

Lately, I have thought a lot about a profound turning point in my life. To make a very long story short: my sophomore year of college I got very sick, lost thirty pounds within a matter of weeks, experienced a lot of pain, had emergency hospital visits, was diagnosed with a heart condition, spent a week in the hospital, three on bed rest, eight on a very particular diet and exercise program, and as a result, I have a fairly strict diet and exercise routine (though I probably should avoid running 13 miles at once), take multiple pills a day, and have to undergo giving several tubes of blood during hospital/doctor visits about ten to twelve times a year. Now, it does not sound like too big of a deal, and it is not. However, when you are actually going through something like that, it is the only thing that matters. I literally took it day by day; and being in a house alone for that long with a lot of emotional buildup is not very healthy for a teenage girl. I wish that I could say that I was more strong and less selfish during that time, but that is what learning experiences are for (and if you've been keeping up with this blog, you know now that a lot of times God has to speak in big ways to get through to my stubborn heart and mind.) 

I learned a lot while confined on house arrest... Ahem, I mean, bed rest. I learned that I am very bad with needles (God, if I have to have this disease could you at least bless me with good veins?!) I learned that you can make ANYTHING seem fun when you've been stuck in bed for so long, even if that means sweating during an outrageous exercise program. Most importantly, I learned that you cannot enjoy the mountains without experiencing the valleys. The apostle Paul, was beaten, mocked and imprisoned for preaching the gospel. He had every right to pitch a fit and have a bad attitude. Instead he said, 

“Now, I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel… Yes, I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.” (Philippians 1:12, 19). 

He did not know if he would live or die, be set free or tortured. But he did know that whatever happened was all part of God’s plan. He saw the bigger picture. It is really hard to see the bigger picture when you are in the valley. 

Now, usually it is out of sight, out of mind; just another part of life for me. Except for every couple of months when I have to give the blood I already don't have enough of (because then it is all I can do not to think about all the needles I will be dealing with). Today, while reflecting, I could remember the whole experience. I remember the faces that I saw when I woke up. I remember being trigger happy with the morphine button they gave me (which was incredible, by the way.) I remember my throat being sore and dry from the tubes, and the crazy dreams from the steroids. I remember tons and tons of flowers, balloons, and teddy bears that I threw away when I got home (no offense... they were just very... hospitalish.) And I remember being too tired to stay up on July 4th to watch the fireworks from the high hospital tower.  

However, the thing that stuck out to me today was the presence of people there every day. People who I did not expect to be there every day. People who brought my family meals. My aunt and uncle, who had just made it home from visiting us for the holiday turned right back around to come sit with me. Rebecca and Elisabeth who could have spent their holiday with friends, but chose to lay in a hospital bed with me and watch Made of Honor. Friends who would kneel at my bedside praying for me. Prayer emails were being sent, I had people in other countries praying for me who did not even know me. One of the surgical residences (a very handsome one, I might add) was praying for me, and at one point shed tears for me. My "other parents" cheering when I finally went without coughing up blood long enough to go without the tubes. My wonderful, loving family. My sister who always knew what music to play to make me feel better. And countless, countless others that I cannot even cover. 

I do not say all of this to brag (you are the ones who ought to be bragged about) or to collect pity. I say this so I can thank all of you who were there for me and those of you who are still willing to put up with my doctor's appointments, sit through complaints, and alter your diet or exercise program to not make me lust over food that I should not have or push myself farther than necessary. Yes, I have said 'Thank you' but that could never be enough to repay what you have given me. I wish there was someway that I could repay each of you personally. Hopefully, sometime in the future I will be able to in some way to many of you.  

Finally, I say all of this because that was a mess that I will wear with pride. Even now, when I have weeks like this week where I push myself too far. Weeks like this when I spend a beautiful Wednesday afternoon in the doctor's office, then a night at Cook-Out to make up for it. Weeks like this when I am forced to take my "emergency medicine" and have to deal with the side effects of depression. Weeks like this when I do everything the doctor says yet still have to deal with blood backing up into my lungs. Regardless of weeks like this...I am thankful. Why? Because of you all. 

Because of you all, I have come away a stronger person. Because of your encouragement, company, and prayers, I am able to trust that God has a plan. Like Paul, I could pitch a fit and have a bad attitude...but I must focus on the bigger picture.

2014: Build A Better Temple.

Hello readers! It is almost Christmas and I hope you're able to spend this time with your family, friends, and loved ones! That being said, this is something that has been on my heart for a while and I figured I would share it while I have a little spare time. 

Around this time of the year, we always hear of each other's New Year's Resolutions. I, myself, don't bother making any, because I know that I (like many of you) will not keep them. I honestly cannot remember a year in which I have actually followed through on a resolution, nor can I recall a success story of anyone following through with theirs. 

However, this week I stumbled across a passage (that I admittedly kept going back to) that challenged me for this upcoming year, and I encourage you readers to let it challenge you as well. 

“As for what you see here, the time will come when not one stone will be left on another; every one of them will be thrown down.”-Luke 21:6 NIV

You see, the disciples were admiring the structural integrity of the temple. Which, I'm sure, was astoundingly beautiful. But Jesus responded to their remarks with the words in verse six. Basically, no matter how beautiful, how much time was put into it, or how strong it was built; it is still a temporary, destructible fixture. I love the way that the Message words it...you can almost hear the exasperation in Christ's voice: 

"All this you're admiring so much—the time is coming when every stone in that building will end up in a heap of rubble."

Of course, Jesus was talking about the end of times when nothing would be left. But it got me thinking about how much I do this in my own life. I spend so much time building and admiring things that have no everlasting worth, and at the end of the day, what time have I left to build anything with remaining worth? Every day that we spend building these temporary structures in our lives, is a waste. 

My prayer is that you and I would spend our time this year focused on the Kingdom. After all, that is what we're living for... the rest will end up in a heap of rubble. 

I hope all of you enjoy your parties, sparklers, kisses, and what not. Be safe, and have a very blessed holiday season and new year!

Dead or Alive.

Dead or alive. These are not simply the words that haunt the most notorious outlaws. For me, they are a question of a person's worth and in that sense, they haunt me daily as well. I say it is better to die at 30 as the one and only, on your terms, living your life...than to live forever trapped in an existence of no consequence. So...Often, I contemplate the weight of a life in which death has so much more impact on society than that which so many make with a life, that is, at least from a biological perspective, very much “alive”. This is a weight that cannot be gauged by a scale but can only be measured by the ripple effect of your actions on humanity. A heartbeat and warm breath are not the lone factors to consider in terms of life... My criteria are somewhat loftier. Do your words ring in the ears of those with which you communicate? Have you done something to improve the lives of those that surround you? Have you put yourself on the line for a fellow man? Do you speak your mind and follow your heart, even at the expense of your social status? Do you hold yourself to a certain standard, even when alone, when there is no one there to impress? Do you live for the conviction of your conscience or for the approval of others? You must question whether you are making the most of the gift that is this day, the here and now, or whether you are simply passing time waiting for the inevitable. Life isn't a beauty pageant; you haven't been put here to curry favor with the judges. Life is a test and the only teacher who determines whether you pass or fail is you. To exist is simple, to die a mere organic process, but to actually live is something quite remarkable. So I ask you again, who among us has truly lived?

One Sixty Eight

One sixty eight. This three digit number signifies a paradigm shift in how we must order ourselves. 168 represents the number of hours in the seven day-way of life, we know commonly as a “week”. With roots more than three millennia long, this succession series of seven sunrises and sunsets dictates so much of what we accomplish and how we see ourselves. So often, the hustlers and bustlers among us find ourselves slaves to the clock, bound and shackled to the spinning hands of time, waiting for each workday to end, for the dreadful alarm to go off in the morning, for the weekend to finally arrive. We may in fact spend as much time clock-watching—either waiting for time to pass or wishing it would march on more slowly, than we actually do filling those moments with production, profound action or passion. Hyper-aware of this fact, conscious of my own mortality and our fleeting time here, I’ve tried to change the way I think about things. I enter each week with 168 hours at my disposal. In that time, I must tend to my responsibilities and do what must be done. A full work week may require 60 hours of my time. What remains is still 108 hours for me to do with as I must, and as I please. From here I must balance everything else in my life, finding a place suitable to be among those I love, to learn and be stimulated, to pursue my goals, to train, and lastly, to sleep. When I hear someone say that they “don’t have time”, I shake my head and pray that I won’t ever let that be me. There are 168 hours in your week, and what you will make time for is that which is a true priority to you, in your heart. If you can’t carve a few of that 168 out in service to someone or something, then it honestly can’t be all that important to you. I want to produce and create, to fill those 168 hours with as much living as I can… To be on fire with the fury of unbridled enthusiasm and inspiration, always. Forever I’ll find time for my dream and for that which makes my soul sing. I’ve gotta make this one sixty eight count, as I just can’t live with a week that is so weak.